Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho