Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

ㅤ

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that