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Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people