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I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
this is the news I live for
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Mmmm canned fish.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.