Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

weddings should have a worst man

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this