Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
You Might Also Like
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so