Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

Those are good neighbors.

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.