Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me

Me: OMG just get in the shower

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.