Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

WHAT ARE WE?

Writers!

WHAT ARE WE WRITING?

Snacks!

WAIT, WHAT?

Snacks first, THEN writing!

No, wait, coffee/tea too!

Maybe a nap beforehand!

THEN WRITING?

No, then Twitter

THEN WRITING!

Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow

#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.