Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

[first date]

Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?

Her:

Me: Yeah, good choice.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

What the hell happened in there??

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.