[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
You Might Also Like
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.