Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

The game has officially changed 😎

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice