Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period