Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

i feel so bad i refunded him

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be