*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
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I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.