Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

called in thicc to work this morning

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

“no gods no masters” = leo

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

911: What’s your emergency?

I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!

911: Are you being tortured?

They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair

911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

Librarian “SHHHHH”

*Turns lawnmower to low setting*

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.

ㅤ

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.