*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
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“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Was it something I said?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist