speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
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Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
That earthquake could have been an email.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.