speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
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Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
What number SPF blocks people?
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
