speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
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If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Joseph Smith, 1833
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now