speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
You Might Also Like
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Overindulged this afternoon.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°