speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way