Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”