Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

Meth is short for Elizameth.

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?

Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”