[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
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[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
🙄😏😂🤣
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
