[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
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Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.