[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
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I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Its true…
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE