Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.