[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
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Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.