Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

*Creating a new social media app*

“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”