[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
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Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.