[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
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ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
🍞🦆
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
FRED: right
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out