[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
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Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
🔦🌙👣
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
