Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭

Split the bill

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.