Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.