[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
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*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Guilty! 🤪
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.