Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose

[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast