Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

The Sun’s probably Asian.

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer

3: for forever?! Yay!!

Me: for five more minutes

3: *bursts into tears*

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”