Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?