Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

3% human
97% stress

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”