Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

he’ll never suspect a thing

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.