Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*