[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
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I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.