If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
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If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
This kid will have a bright future.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today