[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
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Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Just why bro?!
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING