[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
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They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.