[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
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All food is good if you spell it wrong
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Tuesday
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.