Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

🤣🤣🤣

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.