Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

Joseph Smith, 1833

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there