Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

Why didn’t I go pee earlier.

– My tombstone

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

The real reason evolution started..😂

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.