Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

I’m sure it’s fine.

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”