[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
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Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
this has done me in for some reason
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
My purse is deeper than some people.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes