Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.

Robin: Great!

Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.

Robin: Ummm….

Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.