Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.

Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?

8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.