[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
You Might Also Like
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined