Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

She knows her part so well!

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

Me: “I wish I was super hot…”

Menopause: “I got you, boo.”

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

The median voter

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

[Dinner Party]

ME: I’d like to raise a glass…

{years later…}

ME: Son, you’re adopted

GLASS: WHAT?!!

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…