Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”