Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

Ironic

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.