Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

[at the general store]

me: one general please