*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
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I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Good morning
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Coffee is ready.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar