Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

new record!

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward