[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
How dramatic are you?
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
