[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
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NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.