Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.