Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*