Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

That’s incredible! 👌

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

Time for evil

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?