Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.