*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
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Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
⛄️
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Xylophonist Shredding It
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.