Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

Your secret is safe with me and my sister.

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog