[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
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WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.