Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today

Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee

Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS