[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

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A spider crawled on my son’s hand today. I did what any father would do. I mean, Luke Skywalker seems like a productive member of society.


gf: house hunting is so boring

me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there’s not much of a challenge to it


Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…


Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.


A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.


Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?



I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.



I’m going to walk up to strangers and ask “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes, I will hand them a photo of me and walk away.