[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
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I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”