@Jenny4ashley

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

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@UnFitz

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

@TheQuietPsycho

I’m “the VCR was heavy enough to bludgeon a large farm animal” years old

@mattZillaaaa

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

@chagger73

I’ve been divorced so long I’ve almost forgotten how to clear a computer history.

@imasmartass37

A cyclist told me to share the road, so I threw a piece of asphalt at him.

@Reverend_Scott

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

@GinAndJif

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

@SteveSuckington

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*