Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

you can only post this today

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

Siri: Retweet me.

inside you are two wolves

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.