Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

haha same

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space